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This web site is: |
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Tongue Fu!: Deflect, Disarm, & Diffuse Any Verbal Conflict |
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Amazon Sales Rank: 585933
Publication Date: 1996-01-15
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
ISBN: 0312140541
Type: Hardcover
Number Of Pages: 256
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A manual for verbal self-defense explains how to transform hostility, eliminate aggression, handle tormenters, control emotion, and promote harmonious conversation.
Average Rating: 
Review: 2009-08-28
Be Nice Without Losing Your Worthiness
Communication. It's what makes us human.
And, "Tongue Fu!" is a book that guides you to put compassion before reaction.
It's a very no nonsense book about standing on your own feet without stepping on anyone's toes. And, it is mainly targetting communication at work, although, if you master what this book has to teach you about disarming angry people, you can certainly apply this outside of your work environment.
There are 4 parts to this book:
1. Respond, Rather Than React:
When you think back on the outcome of times when you blurted your reactions,
before taking time to gather your thoughts, you will agree with Sam Horn that
this always makes things worse.
Ms. Horn's suggestion is, "Have compassion for this person, by asking yourself
how you would feel, if you had the same circumstances as she or he has."
Done skillfully, and with prior practice, can make a big difference in your
outcome.
My favorite quote in this section of this book, is, "Speak when you're angry -
and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret," Henry Ward Beecher.
2. Words to Lose, Words to Use:
In this section, Ms. Horn suggests, and I strongly agree that we need to
replace "but" with "and."
When you've made a statement, especially a compassionate statement, and you
follow it with what you want your attacker to understand, by using "but," you
cancel out all the good you've just shared.
Another example of words to lose, and words to use is, replace "You have to
work with Bob on this project," with "Could you please coordinate with Bob on
this project?"
This is an example of knowing how to play corporate politics, in a good way.
There's an assumption that the person asking the question is in charge. It's
up to you to play out your position, in this question.
3. Turn Conflicts Into Cooperation:
While I've never liked the word, "Cooperation," I chose to put myself in Ms.
Horn's shoes, with this word. And, I must admit, I kept hold of the phrase
that I would replace that word with - "made a new decision based upon peace."
This section is about turning your attacker's topic into something beneficial.
4. Get More of What You Want, Need and Deserve:
This section advises readers to calculate the risks in confronting someone,
according to benefits on a scale, prior to confronting that person. This
section is more about after the attack. It is also about building your
confidence, so that you re-affirm who you are.
Overall, this is a great, easy to follow, and easy to learn from read for those who are looking to matter.
Review: 2009-07-29
Good Book
My boss bought me this book back in 1997 due to my overwhelming need for it. Unfortunately for him, I only read it this month (July 09). Better late than never.
I found the book to be somewhat useful, easy to read book on interpersonal relationships. The book uses many stories to show us how to get along with almost anyone. While this is a great and worthwhile goal, it really misses the point for those like me that simply don't worry about trying to please everyone. Indeed, due to differences in philosophy, temperament and attitude, there are some people that I avoid or tolerate rather than use the tactics contained in this book. I don't HAVE to get along with everybody.
Still yet, Tongue Fu contains a lot of practical wisdom for the working world and home life. Although I am still waiting for a book that can teach me how to win an argument with my wife.
In addition to this book, I found Gerry Spence's book How to Argue & Win Every Time: At Home, At Work, In Court, Everywhere, Everyday to be one of the best in this arena. Also I would highly recommend Don't Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns That Limit Success.
I hope you find this review helpful.
Michael L.Gooch, SPHR
Review: 2009-07-12
Not a cure all
My wife got this book when we were going through a rough patch in our marriage. She started using the techniques described in this book. It almost ruined our marriage. She would avoid conflict at all costs then become resentful, feeling that "She was the one making all the compromises"
While this may help some people, it certainly did not help my wife. I got a copy of the book. read it and realized that she was trying to help our marriage. What I could not believe was how "Polly Anna"ish many of the techniques seemed.
At times I felt I was beck in Sunday school hearing the "Be nice to everyone and everyone will be nice to you" speech. Not true. No-one can please everybody all the time.
In reality avoiding conflict at almost all costs may seem like a good idea, but this technique is like Anorexia. It looks good at first, but ultimately it is unhealthy. Sometimes conflict must exist to resolve deeper issues. Not mean spirited, spiteful conflict, but an expressing differing opinions in a calm manner. Constantly saying "You're right" to avoid conflict/confrontation solves nothing and leads to more problems.
I would only recommend these techniques to be used with someone you are not likely to see again. For example, parking lot disputes. You don't know who you are dealing with and they may just be itching for a fight. In this case yes, avoid the conflict and find another parking spot. It is not worth the aggravation it will cause you, it will likely ruin your day, and you will probably never see this person again. Otherwise, in long term relationships, I feel that these techniques can do more harm than good.
Review: 2009-04-20
Nice book!
Nice book. It was fun reading it and gave me many hints on how to deal with werid situations. And it works!
I even took notes of those suggestions I liked much and choosed three of them (as suggested by the book) and applyed them costantly. They definitely make me face some situation better, letting me with a better mood.
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